Everyone needs a drug to feel better

(This song is the perfect soundtrack to the story Pino Forastiere-Fase -1)

She was lucky that I was there at that time. She was lucky I was there at all. When she collapsed on the floor, she was lucky I walked into the room. I called an ambulance right away without even thinking twice. She stayed at the hospital for three days. You can’t expect a terminal patient to have a life much different than this. I had seen her deteriorate in the last 4 months I had known her. From going out to dinner with me to dinner at home to total parenteral nutrition through a drip, I had seen it all. I loved her. Everyone knows that they can’t live forever, but the worst is not not knowing that you will die, the worst is knowing that you know when you are going to die. The doctors had given her maximum eight months. That was six months before I had met her. She was a strong woman. I can only imagine how much stronger she must have been before her ailment. She was definitely stronger and had more will power than Mary. I think I will miss her more.

I was new to the city. She showed me around. I helped her pack up her stuff and send it to her relatives. She refused to leave her home and go live with her sister. It wasn’t like her sister was going to leave her job and live with her. She was content that I was here to help. I used to love the paper machē barn animals she used to make. I still remember those long talks we used to have in the living room. She was so full of life, even then. Winter wasn’t the best time for anyone to be in a state she was in, but our conversations kept her warm. I loved the hot cocoa she used to make and call me over to have it with her. I didn’t know if it was for that or was it just an excuse to call me over.

She hardly ever visited my place, though I lived just down the lane. But somehow I was happier this way. I would rather visit her at her place than have her over at mine. I didn’t like staying at my place. I always just wanted to get out. It was very refreshing visiting her house; you didn’t know what to expect everytime. It was always something new. She would still sell real estate online. I loved her hair. She would still try to dance to her favorite songs but wouldn’t last long. It was a shame I didn’t know how to dance at all. But I would just sit there and enjoy her enjoying herself.

I really hated the last few days, but those are the days I will remember the most. I hardly left her side. My hand would feel numb after a few hours, but she wouldn’t let it go. There was no comfort in the hospital room aura. We had been in this situation many times before, always returning. This time it seemed it would be the last. It was heart breaking seeing her gasping for every breath. I was a strong person myself. I hardly ever cried. But I was trying very hard not to even now. It was just a matter of time. I hate winter. I hate night time. I hate both of them combined together. But what happened in both their combination is what I will hate more for ever, atleast till next time. I witnessed doctors and nurses trying to resuscitate her but it was merely a drill. Everyone knew she wasn’t going to come back. I wanted to keep holding her hand but I had to let go. I had to deprive her of her last comfort. Of one last thing that still kept her hope. I had to take it away. I sat on the chair in the corner. I sat there till they took her away. I saw her change color. She would always stay alive inside me.

Another summer, another city. I was good at hospital administration. That is what I did half of the year atleast. But it was time again. I had found what I was looking for. She was in the hospital for over a week now and was going to be discharged in the next few days to come. The doctors weren’t very optimistic. It was a pity she had lost her husband only a few weeks ago to a car accident. Im sure she was wishing she would’ve ended then and there too. But I guess it wasn’t in her interest that she was still alive, it was in mine. I filed in my resignation.

I rang the door bell. She wasn’t expecting anyone. But she looked really beautiful in her pajamas.

“Hi, I just moved down the lane a few days ago. Do you mind if I could borrow a few things from you?” I said with a big smile on my face. She smiled back and called me in.

I liked the summer breeze.