My Cursed Kingdom
This is my kingdom, i am the slave.

The Karachi Bedtime Checklist

You’re dead beat from a long day and not really looking forward to the next hectic day, not because you hate your boss but more so because your boss hates you. You’re done surfing through all the 87 useless channels your cable T.V operator provides you. You check facebook one last time on your not so smart phone for any new notifications. You put on your PJs and hop into bed, and spare two minutes to reflect back on how complete your day was before you go to sleep.

To facilitate you in using those two minutes in a rather efficient manner, here is a checklist that you should at all times maintain by your bedside to ascertain whether you could declare your day spent a comprehensively complete Karachi day or not.

 

  1. Atleast two people in the city were gunned down by na maloom afraad. Check.
  2. Used abusive expressions in atleast three different languages to refer to the KESC. Check.
  3. Waited in an excruciatingly long line to fill up CNG in the car but in the end had to dish out cash to fill up petrol instead since you were getting late for work. Check.
  4. Your window was tapped on by a man dressed up as a woman who repeatedly called you Shahrukh Khan while giving you cute looks. Check.
  5. You cursed or waved your fist at someone on the road. Check.
  6. Someone cursed or waved their fist at you on the road. Check.
  7. Lodged a complaint about your internet connection with WorldCall or PTCL. Check.
  8. Atleast one person you know got deprived of their cell phone and personal belongings at gun point. Check.
  9. Rolled your window up and held your breath till you were way ahead of the damn fish truck. Check.
  10. Covered the 5 km distance from I.I Chundigarh to your house in a record breaking 2 hours. Check.
  11. Lungs got repeatedly filled up with a mixture of second hand smoke, carbon monoxide and methane (courtesy of your co-workers) several times during the course of the day. Check.
  12. Had a craving for dining out at Burns Road. Check.
  13. Had a delightful conversation with someone who could barely keep his mouth open lest the paan would fall out. Check.
  14. Had a craving for some Chicken Garlic Mayo rolls. Check.
  15. Had to take a detour because a perfectly functional road was dug up randomly and magically over night. Check.
  16. Heard someone use the cerebral expanding phrases ‘Haath kay haath’ and ‘De maar saarhay chaar’ needlessly in a sentence. Check.
  17. Spotted another one of those Dr. Ghulam Mujtaba billboards. Check.
  18. Spotted a traffic policeman hitching a ride from someone to get to work. Check.
  19. An elite highly trained sniper paan spitter hanging heroically from the entrance of a mini bus splattered your driver side window with his precision shot. Check.
  20. Heard someone blaring the multi-grammy award winning songs ‘Munni badnaam’ or ‘Jeo Bhutto Benazir’ on their 15watt car speakers in an unnecessarily sooped up Alto. Check.
  21. Spotted ‘Bad Boy 420’, ‘Don’t Jealous’, ‘Gorilla Commando’ and ‘Jhokia No.1’ roaming around the city. Check.
  22. Memorized a new shair from the back of a mini bus or a water tanker and reproduced it for your friends to laugh at. Check
  23.  Car’s windshield was needlessly wiped clean by a pack of pre-pubescent four footers who refused to acknowledge any sort or language; verbal or sign. Check
  24. Thanked God there was no ‘incident’ in the city. Or if there was one, thanked God you weren’t in the center of it. Or if you were, thanked God you made it out alive. Check.
  25. Checked off another day on the calendar till the weekend. Check.

 

 

Please note: If you ended up checking 15 items or more every night for a week, you need a break from this city.

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5 Responses to “The Karachi Bedtime Checklist”

  1. Wonderful read. Loved it.

  2. Crisp and humorous. Very fresh writing style. Succinct and well-balanced. Loved it.

  3. Loved it! Reminded me of Karachi.. Thank you!

  4. Thanks guys. Appreciate it.

  5. Reblogged this on Mariam Sodawater and commented:
    This will drain out your hidden frustration and render you true reason for that fatigue and fretfullness in the after-wok parts of the day.


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